How can I convince my partner I still love them.
Due to its general invisibility is popular discourse, it's not uncommon for an asexual person to only discover their orientation when already in a long-term romantic relationship with an allosexual. A common hurdle in this situation can be each partner trying to convince the other that they are still loved in the same way they were before the revelation.
While there is no obligation on either partner to continue such a relationship, if both are willing then here's some advice on working through this kind of situation.
As the asexual partner
Your partner may be struggling with one of the following false beliefs.
- That a romantic love can only exist if sex (or at least the desire for sex) is involved.
- That a person cannot have or enjoy sex without being attracted.
- That it's easy to know your orientation, especially after trying sex.
- That the newly discovered / revealed asexuality is in fact new, rather than something that has always been there.
Take the time to explain to your partner that for you, love is different to (and doesn't necessarily require) sex. While doing so, be mindful of the fact that your partner may not feel the same way – for example, many allosexuals aren't comfortable having sex with someone who isn't attracted to them. If there is an incompatibility due to your respective orientations that is nobody's fault.
As the allosexual partner
Your partner may be struggling with one of the following false beliefs.
- That it's selfish to ask an allosexual not to have (or to have less) sex in a relationship.
- That an allosexual who chooses not to have sex is secretly suffering and will want to break up eventually.
If sex isn't a big deal for you, make sure you tell your partner that explicitly. It may also be reassuring for your partner if you explain which parts of the relationship you cherish which aren't sex.